Think Thinker Thinking

We all try to follow the path God has chosen for us…. be the person God calls us to be… make the right choices and project a Godly attitude…. But heres what I wonder:

I know when bad things happen or we dont get things we want we are quick to say “theres a reason for everything” “things happen for a reason” “God has a plan”….. you pick.  But tonight I am wondering how much of it is God’s plan compared to a consequence of my own free will. Sure some doors close and new ones open, but was it really God’s plan all along for that door to close? or did that door close because of a choice I made and the consequence of that choice, then God opened doors because He loves me and wants me to be happy and do great things in His name and continues to provide me with opportunities to obey Him and do His work…..If that’s the case I am still struggling to see how this is the woman God has called me to be, How this is the life God planned for me….. whose to say im not a fraction of the woman I was meant to be because of choices ive made…. in my heart I am thinking that its never too late, I can and will continually strive to be the woman God calls me to be but I struggle with this when certain attributes I feel God has placed within me are very big reasons why I end up hurt time and time again.  it doesnt make sense that I would feel so compelled to show compassion, forgiveness, love and loyalty if I am just going to be betrayed, used and misunderstood.  I try to be more selective and use better judgement to choose who I surround myself with… and yet that seems to end with me being alone and seriously wondering if Im going to spend the rest of my life always being the one desperately trying to keep in touch with people and caring about others who dont show the same care and compassion in return.  I cant bring myself to give up on people even after they’ve hurt me…e.ven after everyone has told me to not care and throw them aside and move on.  That doesnt seem very Godly, that is not something that feels right in my heart.  Even if i know they could hurt me AGAIN, I feel like forgiving them and giving them another chance time and time again is the RIGHT thing to do….. so I guess this is my free pass to simply complain about being tired of getting hurt time and time again even though I do feel like I am doing the right thing. maybe its my expectations… but honestly I dont feel like I expect anything… sure i HOPE things will change and be better and different…. does that mean i have expectations? is that the difference between hope and an expectation is your disappointment or anger when it doesnt turn out the way you thought? I dont think so…. I think you can still be disappointed w hope AND w an expectation….. In the end Im still getting hurt, still feeling lonely , still wondering what to do in my life, still feeling like I am meant to do something but not quite sure how to do it, hoping I am making the right choices in life to achieve what God is calling me to achieve but not sure how I successful I am at this point.  Hope you all are doing better than I….


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