Functionally Dysfunctional

So, throughout my life I have gone to therapy… Ive been forced to go, asked to go and independently chosen to go. In the end I am realizing that I am functionally dysfunctional. I dont hold any pent up frustration or hurt, angry feelings in regards to my past but I do strongly believe that who you were, where youve come from, how you were raised, what youve been through…. impacts who you are today.  SO, with that being said I can agree with the therapist that can look at my life and say “yes, you probably have relationship issues because of your family and the way you were raised.” or “Yes, you probably have emotional impulse control issues because of the poor example you were shown growing up.”  In these ways I am found dysfunctional.  yet, amidst all this I strive to do good with my life and generally be a good person in my life…I am considered  functional. (most days anyway, lol)

I have set a goal for myself these next few weeks.  After realizing my life is full of anxiety and stress I have decided to work on establishing and maintaining boundaries in my life.  I have been told time and time again that I must first establish boundaries THEN fit people in their corresponding comfort zone for my life.  I struggle with not trying to save spots or have a predisposed notion of where someone will go in my life. I cant form a place in my life specifically for that one person, they must fit into my life on their own.

I struggle with this concept because I forsee certain people getting angry and others possibly refusing the position in my life that I am offering them.  Which is probably why all these years I have adapted my life to fit the people around me. I constantly change my plans and over exert myself for those people in  my life…Why? Well, if I dont Ill have no one of course…. I am beginning to realize that I have to be comfortable with making my feelings, my thoughts, my wants voiced and heard and not feel guilty if that angers or upsets anyone.  I have to learn to be content with the chance my honesty could cause me to end up alone.  Alone….. I have to learn to be okay with being alone with myself.

Such a funny saying “alone with yourself”…. kind of an oxymoron, but I totally get it. I am terrified of it. Ive spend most of my life desperately trying to fill the wounds of my soul with friendships.  Some very inappropriate friendships at times, and others just werent worth the value and importance I gave them, but they were all I had….they were better than realizing I had nothing.  Dont get me wrong, I have relationships with a lot of people…but friendships, TRUE friendships.  Those people you can call up when you are bored and know without a doubt that they would be happy to come do something with you as well…not wonder if they are just being nice, or if they are ignoring you because theyve had enough, or that they are only saying yes because they want something from you….TRUE friendships….I am learning are very rare. 

I am blessed to have a few TRUE friendships and I thank God for them.  one of these days I will learn to be content with that and stop struggling to find more…. I will learn to accept my wounds and love me for me, or I will hopefully learn how to fill them, change them or heal them in a healthy way….I only wonder, where is the fine line between my anxiety driven need to find and build new friendships and my true God given passion for people??  Am I going to be a whole different person in the end of this? Will I still be me?  Funny I ask that considering it seems not only do I not really know who “ME” is anymore but I am not comfortable being alone with “ME”.

I look forward to the day I can go for a walk on the beach without scouring my contact list in my phone to find someone who will accompany me, the day I can go do something with my kids without announcing it on Facebook hoping someone decides to join us, the day my husband can go to a job without me panicking hours later desperately wishing someone would come over and keep me company to take my mind of of everything….I love my quiet times, I love letting my heart sing to the music of God but getting over the hump of frantically trying to find company and accepting the fact I have none, finding peace in this end result and using it to create calm in my life is a very RARE occurence. This I hope to change.

I want to be made whole, not because Ive crammed fake relationships into my wounds, but because Ive learned how to be at peace with myself.  I want to be a model for my children, I dont want them to struggle with these feelings and emotions. I want them to know that if they have a passion for people; it’s because they simply have a true heart, not because they are trying to compensate for a lack of something else.

Jesus light up my path, guide my mind, please give me peace in this journey. I know it will hurt, I will laugh and I will cry. I will be filled with joy, I will be filled with sorrow, but I will find my way….


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Spuk
    Jun 12, 2010 @ 03:01:13

    I guess Eric and I like to make fun of some of your friendships sometimes.. or give you a hard time, but what you said above really explains why you do the things you do. You do need to have the confidence to stick up for yourself against those people. Yea they will get mad, and what feels worse, they think YOU are the psycho one and it’s all your fault… but there isn’t anything you can do about that to change their ideas. You just have to let it go and hold strong to your position in the first place. Definitely a hard idea to accept and definitely can be harder when you thought you had a good friendship with someone, or looked up to someone.
    You are doing a great job and I think it’s incredibly brave, mature, and different that you are working on yourself and looking inwards. I think so many people these days are so busy that they don’t have enough time or make enough time to work on themselves and give them sometime for inner reflection. I’m glad you have a blog and share so much of your thoughts with people. We all need reminders sometimes that we need to take care of ourselves and share our ideas, struggles, and knowledge with people.
    I love you!!!


    • spunkysalymander
      Jul 01, 2010 @ 05:22:32

      I am so sad that I JUST saw this comment lol Thank you for commenting. Yeah working on yoruself and seeing the dysfunction and the reality of certain situations is hard…. I am willing to admit most of my faults and problems but the hard part is knowing what direction to go from there lol


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