My drug of choice….

tonight i had an interesting conversation with someone. we talked about my past and how I grew up in a family dynamic that caused me to dysfunctional form relationships and be very emotionally reactive as well.

I do not disagree with this fact.DO you know this about me? Probably not.

I control what people think about me….correct that, I try to control what people think about me…how they feel about me, what they know, who they see.  In order to do this I exhaust every ounce of my being trying to predict them. I have to know what they are thinking, I have to know what type of person they are and why…. I have to understand them so that I can know who they want me to be, so I can be that…and then they will like me.

See, it’s quite dysfunctional.

I was asked the question tonight, what would happen if I just stopped trying to control the relationships in my life?  I thought about it a moment and fought the urge to shrug my shoulders and say “nothing…”  because its simply not true.

I spent almost two weeks recently where I did not call or text anyone and ya know what…. no one reached out to me.  I thought for sure this is the perfect opportunity for me to see who really, truly is my friend.  Of course at the time I was hurt and humiliated and even pissed off by these results, however the conversation tonight allowed me to see that, um yeah…. no DUH they didnt call or text me…. I was finally giving them some space and freedom to do what they wanted or make their own choices.  This isnt to say that I think my friends hate me, but I am realizing that if I push people around, when given a choice to hang out with me or do their own thing…they are going to want to do their own thing and get some space and fresh air.

I am not really sure how to let go of trying to control my relationships with people permanently and I know I am not going to like the results right away.  Eventually I will learn how to make healthy relationships and maintain them appropriately…. please bear with me while I try.

It was also brought to my attention that although I think I make everything about everyone else and forgo thinking about myself (kinda makes me sound like the saint in the situation) it really IS all about me.  I latch on and think that I am making everything about them, when realistically I make it all about me. Heres an example:

I dont think I am a perfect wife, but I do think I make a lot of sacrifices and choices FOR my husband and my children and put myself last.  When my husband and I have a few hours of free time during the day we will usually pick something important to us to fill that time with. Ill give ya two guesses what Eric chooses …. Im sure you only need one.  And the frustrating thing with that is I convince myself that HE is more important to me than watching tv or reading a good romance book or laying out in the sun (ie doing things for ME)  In my own words, I sound like the good wife who puts wanting to spend time with her husband before anything else including her own favorite leisure activities….

then suddenly within this conversation the denial was chipped away and I realized… It was still about ME. It was all about ME.  The phrase that was used was “People, relationships are your drug. Eric is your drug of choice.”  I thought, how odd…. I am addicted to my husband. lol

Realistically it makes sense; I NEED that interaction with someone.  Seldom do I ever just sit on my couch in the silence of an evening, when Eric is out of town at work and the kids are all in bed… I rack my brain to find someone to call or something to do or somewhere to go.  When I have that free moment and I am suddenly getting angry at Eric because he is choosing to spend his free time playing computer games online rather than with me….it is not because his choice is wrong but because his “drug of choice” does not allow me my own; Him.  Have I lost you? lol

So basically I am addicted to needing approval, needing attention from my relationships in my life and I am so afraid that if I dont try to control the situation they will walk away and leave me. I will have no one, nothing to do, no one to talk to….I feel the withdrawals coming on already. I panic thinking there could be a time in my life where I literally have no one….

I have yet to uncover why the threat of being alone or the torturing suspense when I cant figure out if someone really likes me and wants to be my friend or not, truly bothers me so much.  I can blame it on the way I was raised and the family dynamic and such, but even so I am confident that my path is not going to be buried in the past and the root cause of the problem but in the outlined steps to take to redefine my idea of healthy relationships.

I am learning that letting go and letting God guide my life, allowing myself to be true and taking the risk that some people may not appreciate or like me if I do is the only way to get through this.  Giving my loved ones space to make their own decisions, take care of their own responsibilities and let them face the consequences if they dont.  Allow them to choose to keep in touch with me if they want and deal with it if they dont.  these are just some of the ways I will practice the lessons I have learned from my conversation tonight and I hope and pray that most of you will reap the benefits of this conversational epiphany.

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