Crankypants

Unfortunately this post comes with a disclaimer : I apologize first and foremost if my thoughts, feelings and opinions of MY life offend, hurt or disappoint you.

Today I am in one of those moods that is reminiscent of a cranky two year old; nothing is helping put me in a better mood…continuously trying to find something to help is making it worse and to make things even more interesting, just doing nothing doesn’t help either.

I try to avoid these eternally black pits of misery as much as possible because I know how hard it is to climb out of.  I know how easy it is to get sucked down and not be able to get back up.  I hate not feeling productive or positive. I hate feeling like I am being judgemental and …..hypocritical… no worse; condescending…… I dont feel like myself, but sometimes on days like today I fall and just keep on falling.

Someone suggested to me this evening that even though I may not enjoy it that maybe I should allow myself to sit  in my anger awhile, wade for a moment in my self-pity, take the time to digest my pain and wallow slightly in the doubt that secretly plagues me.  Rather than gulp it down… to sip it and let it swish around in my life a little; like a good wine….

This is my attempt to do so….

I am angry.  I feel the fiery contempt and burning jealousy heat up inside me just thinking about all the times someone close to me has been given something that they didn’t deserve; love, friendship, career’s, opportunities….. I watch my husband work his ass off trying desperately to support this family, I see my children suffer and ache for their father and wish he could-WE could be handed some of the opportunities others are getting time and time again all around us.  Why do my children have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer?… Haven’t we suffered long enough? Havent we paid our dues for this already? Havent we worked our way up the flipping career totem-pole so that he gets certain privileges before anyone else??? Hasnt he earned that right??  I don’t want to hear you or anyone else complain that  you are lonely because you haven’t seen lonely, you haven’t experienced the emptiness it causes after 6 years, the excruciating sadness you feel in your heart watching it become normal to your children to turn to strangers because they have accepted that their daddy cant be there… don’t even tell me you are lonely.  Maybe one day… but no, not today.

It has become apparent this evening that I can no longer give my whole heart to people in my life the way that I do.  Either they don’t deserve it or don’t know yet how to treat it properly.  I hate that I have to close myself off to people when I meet them. I hate that I don’t know how to do that at all…. I am so angry that I still don’t believe the truth.  Everything and everyone is pointing to the sign, painted bright and clear for all to see that says I am being used, and yet I can’t admit it.  It was suggested to me that if I were to truly look at my friendships I could possibly be forced to look at myself in more depth.  If I were to require my newfound friendships with people to earn their trust from me, I must also do the same and earn trust from them. Honestly I feel like I can do all this…what I can NOT do is continuously make myself available and time and time again be used then thrown aside. I hate that I am so desperate and need friends so much that no matter how much I tell myself not to jump at the first phone call, email or text…I still do.  I hate that even if I come to terms with the fact that they are not ready for a true friendship, I still can’t give up on them.

I ache with loneliness despite being surrounded by people in my life.  I feel beaten and drained because I have been scrambling around trying to keep things civil.  Trying to make it grow only to realize that right now, there is no hope.  My heart breaks to think I have to give up on someone; and a friendship.  That’s not who I am….yet it has come to my attention recently that I can NOT let these types of relationships drag me down and affect my immediate family. I am filled with anger, jealousy and doubt. My soul is bleeding inside to think that my love is going unappreciated and unused.

But then I think, “Am I really that great?” Self-doubt has crippled me on more than one occasion.  It runs through my veins like a poison.  Who am I to expect that everyone should open up their heart, lives and love to me the same way I choose to for them.  Should it mean they are less of a friend because they do not do these things?  I can’t decide if I am angry or saddened when I hear of a friend suffering, lonely and hurting and know that I have just been sitting here bored and itching to love unconditionally…. waiting for the opportunity to just be there and then to find out I wasn’t even given the chance.  That in their time of need I was not called upon, I was not someone/something they thought could help or make a difference.  Should I be hurt by this? Probably not, but I am imperfect, I am selfish, I am taking the time to sip and swish and taste the bitterness in my life; justified or not….so yes, I am hurt by this.

yet again  I find myself sitting in this deafening silence, aching with the chill of loneliness and wondering if It’s all worth it.  Will I in the End discover who I truly am? Will I come to terms with the fact that everyone has their own lives? That yes while I sit here alone and miserable others are going out on date nights, friend filled parties or family outings and great summer vacations making memories that will last a lifetime…. friends are going out with other friends and not including me.  I know I could simply make a phone call, text or email myself and sometimes I do, but not today, not tonight. I refuse to be the first to reach out, I truly believe I have made it clear where I stand and that I am available to anyone and everyone if needed.  That should be enough…. But its not and on nights like these the anger and pain can seem unbearable…maybe thats why I try to avoid giving in these feelings… I forget sometimes if  it is all worth it in the end…..sometimes I don’t even care…sometimes I just want to be crankypants.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Adrianna
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 21:12:14

    Its better to be a crankypants and think about it/deal with it than attempt to cover it up and ignore it. I’m a crankypants :-/ a bit too often

    Reply

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