Ever Evolving Motherhood

I realize after my last post you all deserve something positive and happy and cheerful. I suppose I can squeeze something out. 🙂  To be honest I have been thinking about such things a lot recently…all that negativity was simply temporary venting due to the circumstances.

When Kaelob was born I struggled for a long time adjusting to the emotional connection of being a mother.  I fell right into finding a routine that worked well for baby and I, but lacked the love and joy that typically comes with motherhood.  I would just sit and stare at him and be amazed at how evenly he was a mix of both Eric and I. I would tally off the nose and crooked toe for Team Mommy, then put the freckle on his lip and the shape of his mouth down for Team Daddy. But I didn’t feel connected to him.  It took about two or three weeks of spending time alone with him and pissing off the in-laws because they weren’t able to see him much(first grandchild) to finally begin to

get a warm fuzzy feeling when I looked at him…. or saw him look at me.  When he would smile or coo and look at me with his big blue eyes my heart would melt…. more and more each day.  He was a very easy baby.  He slept through the night almost immediately, he barely ever cried; literally we would put him in tummy time just so he could get a good ten fifteen minutes of crying time in lol, he would sleep in until 11am after going to bed at 8pm the night before, didnt have ANY problem passing gas or digesting his formula, only got one ear infection his entire childhood….. what else lol… he basically was a perfect baby!  He was even good in through his toddler years. He was adorable with his goofy faces and big baby blues.  He loved attention and would do silly little dances wiggling around the room when music played. He would sit for hours in the drawer full of books and read to himself…or play with cars or blocks.  I could take him anywhere, movies restraunts… conventions in las Vegas lol…. He would sleep through anything or quietly entertain himself. It wasnt until he was 3 years old that I started having problems….

Haylee was born just before Kaelob’s 3rd birthday. When she came into the family Kaelob had a rough time of it. He started having temper tantrums and struggling to communicate his feelings.  When I had Haylee I was able to hold her and look at her and adore her the way I wished I could have with Kaelob.  She was beautiful and perfect and I couldnt wait to begin life with her in our family.  Despite my quicker emotional attachment to her in the beginning she was definitely more of a struggle to adjust to physically.  She was a bigger baby and came out MUCH faster.  She had a mind of her own from the very beginning and refused to nurse properly, even with a bottle. She struggled with digesting and passing gas for a short period of time. it took her longer to settle into a good sleep schedule and she was an extremely light sleeper!  if something was going on and she could hear it she would stay awake just to be a part of it.  Our family definitely got hit hard with her strong willed personality and had to adjust to her. Kaelob definitely had a hard time with this…..

In the end I feel like we all adjusted well, considering.  But it definitely took some time.  At some point I realized that somewhere along the line I had lost the joy and excitement I had felt being a mom when Kaelob was younger.  Sure its easy to enjoy being a mom when you’ve got a super easy, happy baby that can go anywhere and sleep through anything…. I know its normal to not always enjoy parenting but this was different. I seriously felt like more often than not I hated it. I felt trapped, I felt lost, I felt stressed and angry. Despite everyone telling me how much patience I had and what a great mom I was…. I felt the very opposite.  I may not have shown it, but its how I felt.  My kids may not have known how frustrated and tired I was, but I knew it was how I felt inside…. I was so emotionally exhausted I would rather plug the kids into an activity or movie than go out and do something fun or play with them. Or heck, put them in school! haha. Then I have time to myself…. but what ever would I do? lol Anyway, I did my best and I know that. I would just get frustrated seeing all these other moms acting so happy and doing all these super cool fun things with their kids and I felt like I was the only mom who didnt enjoy it 100% of the time.

Somehow…who knows how it happens…. we ended up pregnant with a third child. I worried adjusting to a new baby would throw off what little peace I had left…but was excited to add to our wonderful family.  I had hoped the new addition would be fit in nicely, but wasnt certain.  It could easily have gone either way…good or bad… I am VERY grateful that Peytne is fitting in to our family perfectly!! Kaelob is so happy that Haylee now bothers the baby and not him (although she still has her moments) Haylee loves to have a baby to push around, dress, feed, clean and basically control lol. And Peytne takes after her brother; she is so laid back and relaxed. She just wants to watch her crazy siblings and take in the surroundings. She will lay there and smile and talk and be so calm and happy to just be near you.  She sleeps like a champ, in fact its almost 10am and shes still asleep! Shes made a peep or two, but hasnt fussed at all. Haylee loves sharing a room with her sister and gets angry if I take her out bc she wakes up before Haylee and I dont want her crying to wake her up.  She tells me “its ok mommy, she wont wake me up”.  I seriously expected getting them to sleep together in the same room would have taken much longer than two months, but they have been sharing a room together for the last three/four weeks now and everything has been working out wonderfully!  Kaelob adores his baby sister, he tries to show off for her and get her to smile and he lights up whenever shes looking at him.  He is proud to be her big brother and tells me how much she loves him.

When Peytne came into this world I felt such a connection with her, I feel like she completes our family.  SHe makes us whole…. she is the missing piece to my sanity.  ALl the frustration and insecurities I had before as a parent have disappeared.  I have done more, gone more places, spent more time just playing with the kids now than I ever did before.  Even Eric has suddenly found his paternal side and only days after having Peytne suggested we pop out a fourth lol.  I feel more in control, more prepared, more calm, more happy…. more ME than I ever did before.  I used to grumble and complain about having to stay home and not work and be with the kids 24-7…. I certainly miss doing adult things, and going out but suddenly I find myself glad that I dont have to work, enjoying all the moments I get to have with my children that other moms dont get, dreading the day I might have to go back to work and leave the kids at home (although I will still enjoy working if I had to lol).

Who knew one little baby could help a family come full circle and complete us.  Who knew adding another child could solve my maternal insecurities and frustrations.  Who knew God could do such wonderful and amazing things with my family !!! I always knew it was normal to have some frustration and not feel entirely at peace with being a mom, I knew there were others out there…. I just didnt know many of them lol. I dont want to come across now like I am this happy go lucky mom that has always enjoyed parenting and that it comes to me so naturally. No, for all of you struggling out there… I struggled, and still do some days… but now MOST days ….more often than not, I do enjoy being a mom.  Do not be discouraged, and it may or may not take a third child to help you reach that place but i strongly believe that God can do amazing things with your heart and everyone can get to this place too.

The sun is out. It is a Thursday which means Haylee-bug goes to school, Peytne is still sleeping, which means I have to wake her up because we are already running late lol Kaelob has the sniffles and a little cough, which means I am going to be paranoid he’s getting sick and be pouring cold medicine into him till I know hes better, did I mention the sun was out? lol Its a beautiful day and Im ready to GO. Let’s get this party started!!

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