Whispers to my Heart

A funny thing happened this evening…. as I was sitting alone at church taking some time to think a girl rides into the parking lot on her pink bike.  Now when I say girl I really mean woman; probably the same age as me, but I am in denial that I am already a hop skip away from 30 lol…. anyway, I was admiring her old school bike with the handlebar basket and her long beautiful hair.  I wondered what she was doing at the church considering no one else was there at the time and watched as she circled in the parking lot then rode over to the dumpsters.  I didn’t think much of it and went back to my silent thoughts.  Next thing I know shes riding back around the corner and over to me with a book in her hand.  It was a Bible.  She asked me if all the stuff by the dumpster was trash, I looked around and shrugged my shoulders saying, “I would assume so. We have a lot of Bibles so even so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”  “Ok great!,” she said happily then hopped back on her bike and rode off.

I couldn’t help but think to myself, “How odd she would ride her bike in and dig a Bible out of the trash.”  She was well dressed, her bike looked rather new and probably fairly expensive… she didn’t seem the type to need to rummage through a dumpster, but then again what do I know.  As I watched her turn and ride away it hit me like a slap in the face… opportunity missed, my chance was gone.  All the time I spend learning, devoting, praising, worshiping, praying, following, and desperately trying to honor God seems rather pointless when I am handed the perfect opportunity to chat with someone who was clearly looking for something I might have been able to give her.  I wasn’t busy, in fact I had been sitting there thinking to myself it would be nice to have some company. Yet I said nothing.

Ive struggled this last year with those moments where you know God is pushing you out of your comfort zone and calling you to truly serve Him. The times when someone is crying and pouring their heart out to you; sharing with you their worries and pains and God whispers to your heart “Ask them if you can pray for them, right now… pray for them, hold their hand and pray with them.”  I feel my teeth clench and my heart drop to my stomach.  In my mind I am going through the motions but my mouth just refuses to work.  Then before I know it tears are wiped away, emotions are calmed for now, time has run out.  There it was…opportunity missed, my chance was gone.  Although I was still there for them as a friend … I have still failed them as a sister in Christ…. and God.

I keep feeling this pull and desire to be more involved in church than I already am, but wonder what more can I do if I can’t seem to obey God in these moments that he has given me.  I am at this place, a crossroads where I am questioning if I am still meant to be a teacher?  I love English, always have and always will… but I am opening my eyes to new opportunities and wondering if maybe that is the direction God is leading me.  I am still looking to complete my education that has been a slow and steady process, but am wondering if I should change my approach if I am meant to work for the church or even for a non profit foundation…

Whatever it is I want to feel at home and like I am making a difference, that I am where I am meant to be and that God is smiling down on me because I am following the path he has laid out for me.  Right now I wonder if I have not gotten an answer because I still can not overcome my fears and push myself in those moments, in those trials where God is calling me to be His.  I wonder if once I overcome this battle God will firmly and securely point me in the right direction and there will be no doubt in my mind that that is where I need to be.  Oh, the idea of it is so calming to me….

I think until then I need to take the time to spend more moments like the one tonight where I am sitting alone with nothing but silence and my own thoughts to keep me company.  That is and always has been when God speaks to my heart the most.  In amidst all my stressing, worrying, panicking and craziness of my life recently I was blessed with an impromptu camping trip where I was able to relax, put my feet up, enjoy the view and listen to God whispering sweet nothings in the wind.  My prayer for you is that you can find time in your busy lives to do the same and maybe, just maybe God will bring your heart some of the answers you are looking for too.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Sunny Rebecca Lucas
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 05:06:17

    Great job Rabecca. It is as if you were in my mind and wrote down my thoughts into words. How beautifully written as well. We should have a sister moment soon. I miss you too…hugs ~ Sunny

    Reply

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