TRANSFORMATION

I hate how much power you have over my life!  I have fallen into the trap and am desperately gnawing at my own flesh and bones to get free, but the steel claws refuse to release me.

I am not myself anymore. I have transformed into this wildly savage monster that thinks everyone is against her or secretly laughing at her demise; an animal who believes whole heartedly in unhealthy delusions of grandeur and longs to satisfy the jealousy and envy in her heart by suffocating all who are within reach.

The trap? Facebook…. maybe part Facebook, part my own insecurities and part the inevitable behaviors, choices and actions that are an unfortunate part of who I am due to my past…. but mostly I blame Facebook.  Healthy right? Either way it’s the only place I know where to start, its the only problem I know how to fix.  I may not be able to dissolve my insecurities today or actively change my behavioral tendencies overnight…. however I can change the way I use Facebook, how often and for what purpose.  It was a tool that fueled these other issues and only made the flickering flame grow into a roaring, uncontrollable fire wiping out everything in it’s path.

The problem? Origionally I jumped onto the Facebook bandwagon to update photos of the family, vent emotionally, keep in touch socially and simply to be cool.  It has quickly become a method in which I use to keep track of people who have for one reason or another chosen to not be a part of my life or my children’s lives, research the lives of people from my past and compare my own growth and change to theirs, not to mention keep tabs on current friends and family who are messaging and commenting on each others status updates or photos but not my own and to then be filled with jealousy and anger at my own insignificant place in that supposed relationship.  I feel justified in judging my importance to society by whether or not I have enough ‘likes’ or comments.  I feel secluded, ignored and sometimes even outcast when certain groups of people seem to send messages and chat with each other but not myself.  I over analyze comments and messages between friends and somehow manage to every time connect it to something about me or a problem I think they have with me. I have stopped using my phone to talk with friends and write on their wall instead.  Instead of taking the time to make sure an important fact is stated I assume they have already seen my status or update that already covers the issue, then am filled with disgust when they haven’t and I must then explain the subject at hand.  I cant have a simple moment in my life without thinking, “That would be a great status, I have to update it right this minute!” or “I totally need to take a picture of this and upload it to my profile for everyone to see and comment on it!”.

Granted, I do still see a point in sharing family pictures, events and moments with true friends and family on Facebook every now and then…. maybe even a purpose in sharing a sentimental feeling or two….but at this point I am almost willing to say, “If you want a picture, email me or come over and Ill show you whatever you want to see.  If you want to know how I am feeling? Call me or text me or ask me when you see me face to face.  Read this blog even.  I will work on updating it regularly, with pictures as well.”  I am searching my heart and praying for the answer to my struggles.  At this point I am not confident that God is requiring me to close Facebook our entirely, but change a few things about how I approach it.  I will be hiding any and all friends who trigger my insecurities.  You will not know this, unless I still am unable to stay away from just clicking on your profile and looking at everything that way.  At this point I will either be forced to Delete you or if there are enough cases I will then succumb to deleting my Facebook account entirely.  BUT having said this, it will now be common knowledge that I will not know what your most recent status is or about a specific side conversation you have had with another friend on my list.  I will not see your most recent pictures or a video you have posted.  I will not know who just added who as a friend or who has most recently changed their relationship status.  I will be removing Facebook from my phone as well and the continuous supply of text messages to inform me of any new messages, comments or updates to my account  so my responses will be limited and delayed.

I write this because I am struggling.  I publish this because I am trusting that as my brothers and sisters in Christ, you all will be inspired to help me out of my trap.  I realize typically as the metaphore would go, any rescuer would be forced to kill me to put me out of my misery; that there would be no hope for my life.  However I believe in a great and wonderful God that can heal all wounds, give strength to the weakest of beings, use the worst of us for great and unimaginable things and a God who loves me enough to allow miracles to happen in my life.  To most people my emotional insecurities, problems from the past and inability to entirely own the blame for my mistakes I would be a classic example of a wounded and trapped animal needing to be put out of their misery, but my God is merciful and amazing and is giving me strength each day.  I may be metaphorically sitting here in my misery, gnawing away at my limb trying to get free…. eventually I will and when that day comes, I will be healed.  I will be healed.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. luvmyapron
    Sep 25, 2010 @ 17:20:02

    way to call out on the thing that is trapping you and realizing the deeper issues connected with it. i admire that, and i’m sure if we were all honest with ourselves, every single person that owns a facebook has fallen captive to every one of those things as well. i’ve had to block people from my news feed when i find i’m dwelling on unhealthy feelings in regards to them. have you thought about fasting from facebook for a little bit to help start? i’m totally down for doing that with you this week if you want. i find it easier to help myself process from less use in the future when i have a week that’s cut, cold-turkey. and side note, we should hang out again. 🙂 what are you doing this weekend?

    Reply

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