numb.

I am so excited that the winter weather is finally beginning to show its blustery self! The fact that as i type this the weather lady is informing me that the end of week temperatures will be up in the 80’s does not shake my resolve.  I stand firm to the fact that Winter is here!! (positive thoughts bring positive change don’t ya know)  The only thing about being cold during these wintery days is one thing; being numb..

I LOVE the snow and the cold but have you ever been SO cold that you can’t feel a thing?? I love it! Half the time I lived in Utah I complained about being cold…but on those rare days when we went out to play in the snow and were out in the cold long enough that suddenly you didn’t feel cold any more… I LOVE IT!  Ready for my crazy metaphorical spiritual twist?? Dun Dun Dun…..It occurred to me today that life can kind of be this way as well… sometimes being numb is the only way to survive the cold in your life.

I feel like sometimes so much “cold” can enter my life that I become numb.  Every now and then something crappy will happen or someone close to me will be struggling with something and I can be passionate for change and emotionally affected by it.  However, it seems like the more Sh*@& that hits the fan the less I “feel” about it all.  I just kind of sit back and laugh at the irony of it all or close my eyes and hold on tight until the ride is over.  The last two weeks have been a lot like this for me lately… but I am only realizing now how truly numb I have been.

Obviously one major cold front in my life right now involves these “occupants” in my grandparent’s guest house who are refusing to leave and squatting on the property (now with an added mystery guest) and by doing so they are preventing my grandparents from getting the care they need and deserve.  My grandfather was the CEO of a major company in San Diego for many many years, my grandmother was an influential face in the Cardiff School District and taught swimming in the community for over 30 years!  They have lived long wonderful lives traveling and seeing the world then settling down in their lovely Encinitas home in hopes to spend the last years of their lives surrounded by family and loved ones and being properly taken care of.  Unfortunately in their late 80’s they are finding themselves having to go to trial, waiting weeks and weeks for the California legal system to process, file and submit paperwork to simply get things moving…much less protect and advocate for them.  I am angry that they have to deal with this… but I consume all my energy and emotions searching searching and searching for some hidden answer, some loop hole that we haven’t found that would release them from this prison they are in.  I feel like I am bitter and cold and angry…. so much so that I am numb. If I truly expressed the anger inside me, if I let the anger consume me… I would not be the same person.  So I am numb.

This last week has been full of car troubles involving not only a flat tire but a faulty car battery….both of which cost more money than I cared to spend to fix.  Two of my four bathrooms flooded one right after the other, which then involved 5 loads of laundry just to wash all the towels and hours upon hours of sucking the water out of the carpets with my shampooer.  I thought there was a fire in my furnace or something was wrong with that…after a couple days of not using our heater we finds out it was actually my dryer and there was lint in the bottom of the lint trap that caught on fire.  my dad opened up the bottom of the trap and we looked in with a flashlight and all the lint was burned and black.  He cleaned it out and luckily there was no further damage. Financially I worry that these next two months are going to be extremely hard for us as a family.  Eric did go back to work, on a job only 40 minutes away however it is not going to be as long as previously planned because they are working on both units at the same time now rather than waiting and doing the first one first and second one second….it also looks as though there wont be any other work until the end of January… I am the worrier.  I know things will work out in the end, I also know that things aren’t always as bad as they seem….however I can’t help but think that while we continue to have to pay rent for this house, prepare for Christmas and plan for moving…getting through the next few months will be rather difficult without the help financially.  I have friends around me struggling with addiction, recovery, relationship problems, medical problems, financial problems, and even spiritual problems…I want to help them.  I want to fix it all for them. I want God to take their pain away, sometimes I feel like I express more emotion and desire to solve their problems than my own…I care about the process and moving forward but when it comes to discussing how I feel or what I think about it all I am numb. I just want to do something and see change not dwell on feelings of hurt, anger, sadness and fear.

I look back on these last few weeks and think it could definitely be easy to blame God or be angry at the unfortunate circumstances that have plagued my life and theirs recently.  I think this is where being numb has saved me.  I AM saved.  I believe that Jesus died for me and has taken away my pain and sin and anger and has provided a way for me to live an eternal life of happiness and peace in Heaven.  None of this crap here on Earth can take that away.  Some situations might definitely chip away at my resolve but I am numb remember? Kind of reminds me when someone is in so much pain that they suddenly get to a point where they don’t feel any more pain…. they feel nothing.  When you are SO cold you don’t feel anything any more.  I truly feel that God has taken away the pain and allowed me to be numb so that I can focus on moving forward and try to make change happen for the better rather than be caught up and buried in the hurt and anger.  I look to God to guide me today and grant me the strength to deal with tomorrow not heal my scars from yesterdays wounds or change steps that have already been taken.  That is my job.  God isn’t in my heart to make everything perfect and solve all my problems…. Jesus already did that… It’s my job to remember this and look forward to the day this promise will come true; taking each moment for what it is and enduring the pain and misfortune that comes with living in a sinful world full of free will and Godless people and trying my hardest to make good choices and follow the path God has set for me. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” This is not my battle, this is not my war… it has already been fought and won.  I may be standing in the middle of the battle field but God is right there with me saying “look around…all this pain and sorrow will end because I have already won this battle.  Don’t be afraid because I promise to bring you Peace.”  What could be more comforting than that?  It’s like if my husband were to come home and say ” Don’t worry about the bathrooms honey, I have fixed the toilets and dried the carpets. Don’t worry about the car baby, Ive already called the car guy and it’s going to be taken care of in the morning. Don’t worry about money darling because I have found a way to provide for us and everything is taken care of.”  Wow. What wife wouldn’t immediately collapse on the couch and sigh the biggest sigh of relief and relax knowing everything she just struggled with that day has been solved and taken care of… God has done this for us.

I dont say this to whine about all my problems and worries and brag about being able to handle it… I say this so that maybe someone else struggling with all the cold and stormy weather can allow themselves to let go and be numb to the pain of this world and know that we are saved from all this trouble.  Know that this is truly nothing that can hurt us.  Dont let it change your heart, don’t let it harden your heart and put blame where blame does not belong. Let God guide you forward and lift you up from all this and maybe… I truly believe when the Bible says  “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. ” Psalms 55:22 I believe that God has promised to ‘sustain’ us not remove us from our pain.  I am sustained by this numbness I feel and try to use it to my advantage.  Maybe you need to feel the pain, maybe you don’t and haven’t been able to let it go…. Either way, whatever it is that you need to get through this storm and the next will come from God if you let it.  He has promised this to us.

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