All of the above.

I’ve been having a lot more of those teary eyed “I really miss my grandpa” moments lately. Maybe I am just being hormonal, maybe it’s the upcoming holidays, maybe it’s the stress grandma is causing by being CRAZY!… heck maybe it’s all of the above.

I used to nod and agree when people console loved ones that they will see that person again in Heaven some day.  Im sorry, but what Heaven do you believe in?  I believe in a Heaven where our eyes, our hearts our SOUL’s live only for God. Maybe I am wrong but I dont believe we will have the same connection/need for family and friends in Heaven. We will be entirely filled with the love of/for God. I believe our family, friends, spouses and children are here with us on Earth to fill the void in our hearts for love that God intends to fill completely when we are together in Heaven.  Until that day because he loves us and doesn’t want us to feel alone he has given us amazing friends that stand by us through thick and thin, husbands and wives that complete us deep within our souls like no other, children that love us unconditionally…father’s mothers brothers sisters…. a Family to complete us here on Earth while we wait for the peace that Heaven will bring.

Sure I could very well be wrong in all of my beliefs, but because I believe this the simple yet overused saying of , “you’ll be together in heaven some day” just hits a nerve with me. It never used to.  Maybe now because I have lost someone I love very dearly I see it in a different light.  It bothers me because I dont beleive that’s what Heaven is about. It’s not about reuniting w loved ones and continuing that relationship or having that void filled by them again. It will be entirely about God. Sure they will be there and I will have Joy that we are all worshiping God together, but will I sit and chat with my grandpa like I used to? I dont think so.  Does it make me sad? No, again… it wont be about those Earthly relationships it will be about GOD>

Honestly, it doesn’t even matter… no matter WHAT Heaven will be like, it doesn’t change the fact that He is not here NOW.

Call me Debbie Downer, or Negative Nancy but right now I miss him. I miss his smile, I miss his laugh and his wink and glimmer in his eye when we all knew Grandma was being crazy and he could let us know without her seeing that he knew it too. His sarcastic “Connecticut Corn” humor, his goofy voice he used to use to talk to the babies, his amazing stories, his absolute amazing advice… his generosity.  I am SO glad i made the conscious decision to kiss him goodnight every night when he was dying. I remember worrying if he would think I was worried it would be the last night I would see him (which it very well could have been) but I didn’t care I kissed him good night anyway and told him I loved him.

…I want those moments back.  Those days, those weeks I struggled with my selfish desire to have “my life back” and be with my kids. ALL those times I was angry at him for dying and complicating my life.  If only I could have that time back and enjoy it more.  Enjoy the nights he wanted to stay up to midnight watching law and order and Hawaii 5-O… I would have hugged him more told him I love him more, thanked him more.

I cant get that time back.  When it comes time to go to Heaven… Im not going to run up to my grandfather and tell him all of that… Maybe he already knows. Maybe he can hear me, see me… maybe…. but either way right now there is a void in my heart that only he can fill. Knowing theres SO many stories I dont remember, so many things I didnt take time to learn about him…and now its my job to teach my children who their Great Grandfather was…

I miss him. I really do miss him and seeing him one day in Heaven does not make it better.

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