Schmalentines Day!

I’m going to be a grumpy sour puss.

I’m cranky, I’m tired, I’m sore…and I’m lonely.

I’m kind of bitter too… I have spent the last 8 years or so celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays over the phone or through Skype video calls. Do we get any kind of tax break, discounted prices, free donations or simply respect and compassion for what a hard working man y my husband is?  No.

He is not in the military, he simply works for a Union making sure the power plants across our United States are in top working condition so that we can have power to maintain our free living and comfort. We get less notice than most military families when he has to leave for months at a time.  There is no support system for the wives of the men in his trade.  I am not trying to belittle the U.S. military, my husband would give anything to have been accepted into the military years ago, I am only saying it is really hard to have a lot of the downsides of a military life because of having a similar lifestyle, yet not getting any of the perks that help make it worth it.

So this  Valentines Day I am full of bitterness because I keep seeing all these sentimental commercials and I wish I didn’t have to feel so alone.  I Wish there was a support system or other wives whose husbands do the same thing mine does and know how they come and go, months at a time..how they have no time to talk because they are either always working or sleeping because they are so exhausted.

I am jealous of the families that get recognition for all of their suffering and sacrificing because of all the honor and glory they bring to the Country.  I feel like I don’t have a right to compare myself to those wives or families.  I don’t want to belittle the sacrifices they make, I DO believe there is so much honor in what they do and I respect them wholeheartedly…

"but what about me?"

Even writing that I feel horrible. But right now, after a long day with the kids, cleaning, baking and being a “single parent” I can’t help but think those words.

Now with all these commercials acknowledging all the wives spending Valentine’s day alone while their husband’s are fighting overseas for our Country, I think these words. I get bitter and jealous and angry….then I feel guilty, which is an even heavier emotion than the first three.

Ugh, I am weighed down by my emotions. I am lonely and frustrated by my loneliness. Frustrated that I want to just pretend this stupid holiday doesn’t exist, frustrated I have to have a damn birthday this year and want it to be special and a big deal, frustrated that after all these years I still can’t figure out how to let it go and enjoy the moment and allow the moment to be special and good enough even though the love of my life is not here, my partner, my best friend (no not you spuk) the father of my children… Valentine’s Day, MY actual 7th Leap Day birthday, Kaelob’s 8th birthday, Peytne’s 2nd birthday….God help me, these next couple of weeks will be rough.

I could use your prayers… patience, strength, comfort, compassion…whatever, I’ll take it. lol.

Thanks.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Adrianna
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 09:01:10

    I’ve thought of that a lot too, and I don’t think you should beat yourself up so much for having those thoughts! You are right in that there is a lot of visibility for military families and there is a lot of support to help out when family members are gone. I have often thought about how lucky we are to have these things and I know it hasn’t always been that way. There are much more people in America besides the military that are away from their families and even have dangerous jobs. I have thought a lot about you and your family and thought about how shitty it is. I mean, he’s gone every year for months at a time. At least in the military for most there are breaks between deployments. But time and time again, here you are. I wish I could express what’s in my head and how I agree with your post and how i do feel for you and amazed constantly at your determination to keep striving forward. I wish i could make it better! but i know only he can do that. praying for you squek!

    Reply

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