Depression (sometimes) Leads to Clarity

Everyone seems so positive these days…Everyone seems so motivated and full of ambition.

I look around and cant help but feel like I’ve fallen behind.  There is this constantly revolving (and growing) list of “important” things I have been reminding myself to do or telling myself I NEED to do, but can’t seem to ever catch up.  The more buried I feel, the less motivation I have… the more panic and anxiety suffocates what’s left of my sanity….or does it.

I begin to feel sorry for myself and take every situation for what it is…  a direct attack against me (lies).

While I am busy feeling sorry for myself life is happening. Things are happening in the lives of the people around me, people I care about… but I am not involved, Im not invited, I am not informed.  I doubt my friendships and relationships with family.  How can I feel so close to someone but not know they just got a brand new job they had been praying for?!  How can I feel so close to someone then find out I wasn’t invited to a celebration that I would have been honored to be a part of.  Not just me, my kids, my husband…my whole family wasn’t invited. How can I feel SO connected to someone yet not know they are dating someone new or that so and so is going to be a family of three soon… why was I not the one they called to share the good news?

Okay so obviously the reality is it’s not a personal “attack” against me.  However, situations like this make a person second guess their purpose, their role in the relationships in their life.  Am I really the friend I think I am? Is our relationship as close as I think? It couldn’t be… if that’s the case, what am I doing wrong?

Do I have “friends” in my life who feel I have excluded them from important events in my life?  Have I ignored the attempts to grow a friendship without even knowing it? Have I hurt these people in my life the way I feel hurt??

I don’t have answers to any of these questions… I only know how I feel.

I feel like I have been trying to build certain friendships that continue to be stunted and just can not seem to get past a certain point.  My perception of other friendships, I now realize, is distorted and not always as “close” as I may think.  Although I may feel I open myself up to them and love them unconditionally… I can not always assume the feeling, the importance, the loyalty is mutual.

I see now how quickly important parts of these relationships got lost within my churning list of unfinished business… the collection of to-do’s that I try to avoid for as long as possible… it is clear to me why my friendships seem to be struggling and failing.  If I deny my responsibility to these things, if I deny my accountability ….all of it is lost.

I am deeply sorry to anyone who has been hurt by my insecurities and denial.  You deserve better. You deserve a friend who can remember to keep in touch with you, follow through on promises, check in occasionally just to know you are alright, be there whenever it’s needed without any expectations of these responsiblities being returned some day.  \

I may not have the motivation to jump off this couch, close the computer and go run one of those crazy 5K things I am apparently signed up for..but I do have the inspiration and clarity to begin the journey to being a better friend.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Z
    May 30, 2012 @ 09:53:12

    I feel somewhat the same way, hopefully it lead to clarity because that’s what I truly seek or at least some balance of good feelings.

    Reply

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