Thank you for being sick…a Mother’s Confession.

Okay, maybe she isnt really sick… maybe she is. it is still to be determined… maybe she is just gassy and not feeling well, but it wont progress into the nightmare that I so quickly imagine (and secretly prepare msyelf for)…Either way, Thank you.

Weird right? But honestly….

Those of you who know me, and probably many of you who dont *bc I think I literally say this to everyone* know that I struggle with finding that loving bond with my oldest daughter.  Of course as a parent you love your children, but I struggle with connecting to her and appreciating her. I love her, but I have trouble loving her.

some say its because of how similar she is to me as a child… apparently in all the troublesome ways… and sometimes I agree that we have certain behaviors or traits in common, but its usually after Ive caught myself yelling at her for something (i would have done) and having flashbacks of how I felt when I got yelled at the very same way.  It breaks my heart because I remember how sad or hurt I felt for being treated that way and yet here I am doing the very same thing to my daughter.

Furthermore, there are certain little quirks to her personality.  There are certain things she likes to do to push people’s buttons(mostly mine). Her interests seem so far off from anything I like to do or learn about, in fact what irks me the most is that some of the things she loves the most are things I utterly despise (which I dont tell her about).  It makes me feel like I am worlds away from knowing who my daughter is and appreciating her for being her. Instead I end up annoyed by our differences (and sometimes our similarities) and push her even farther away from me.

I try to cook with her, because I know she LOVES to cook.  she goes to sleep flipping through cook books planning out new recipes to bake.  She could spend all afternoon with her apron on cooking in her pretend kitchen in her room. And honestly I love cooking (if you haven’t noticed)… but put the two of us together in a kitchen and it just doesnt work. She doesnt want to wait for instructions or she wants to make up her own plan or just keeps touching and moving things from where I put them down… its stupid I know, but the end result is me getting angry with her, probably a time out or two for both of us and neither one of us enjoying the experience at all.

I try to do crafts with her and the same darn thing happens. She can’t just do what we are sitting down to do she has to change it up somehow and intentionally do something different.  If i set out markers and coloring books she has to use crayons and blank printer paper. If I set out beads and string to make jewelry she will just make one big long *colorful* strand of beads but refuses to let me tie it closed to wear. what the heck was the point of doing this then if you weren’t actually making a necklace?!?!… She definitely has NO problem making her own path in this world, but I as her mom, am struggling to nurture and support her choices and personality when it clashes with my own personality style.

She will intentionally act out, doing or saying something that is very clearly an attention seeking behavior.  I went through SO much training and support services with Kaelob’s attention seeking behavior style that I feel stupid for not knowing how to react properly to what Haylee is doing now… but I dont. it gets under my skin and my blood boils. I have zero tolerance for it when it comes to her, but with Kaelob I can sit there and sweet talk my way around it using my skills and techniques I was taught to use.

It sometimes gets to the point where I am so frustrated and fed up that I feel like I need some kind of therapy to learn to love her more. Maybe I truly do.  I want to learn to embrace Haylee for being herself and make her feel loved and appreciated for her uniqueness. I hope and pray she doesnt feel like I am always annoyed with her. I see the way her face lights up when I tell her I love her or kiss her face and play goofy little games with her.

Tonight she didnt feel good. I could hear her tummy grumbling from across the room, and for my kids being gassy is pretty normal but this was a bit more unusual.  So i set up some blankets and pillows and let her lay down on the couch next to me.  She sat here reading some books from school she had in her back pack and a couple from our book box. we read them together… I realized how well she can read now. we giggled about the words in “if you take a mouse to school” and made up our own matching rhymes to dr. seus; “Foot Book”… we turned on a disney cartoon about a princess and she snuggled up next to me with a big grin on her face SO happy to just be next to me, just me and her staying up late like she has begged me to do so many times before now.

So whether shes sick or not. Whether I am up all night cleaning or wiping away tears… Thank you for being sick.  I would not have taken the time to truly see her, and love her and spend this time with just her if it hadnt been for her being ‘sick’.



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