An “Official” Guest Blogger Photo

So I’ve been writing a few things off and on with various blogs online  the last few months…  with a few possibilities and regular writing spots coming up here in the near future I thought it was time to take a few photos of ME, just me…

OH GOODNESS how I loathe taking photos of just me…

I know I know, its very clearly not that big of a deal when Im by myself holding an Iphone with a camera on it… when it’s just me and ME I can smile, flirt wink nod pose, fight and make love to the camera resulting in the perfect money shot, all in one… okay maybe not, but one would love to believe it right?? Too bad I cant turn in Iphone/instagram photos as modeling head shots or professional portfolio photos…

Anyway, getting that awkwardness out of the way… standing there in front of the photographer without a child to pose or ruffle to fluff, shirt to fix, face to clean, shoe to tie…. just me.  Here’s the outcome from a quick snippity snap of the day before getting to work on a nifty little Easter mini photo session set up for tomorrow’s festivities…

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Much thanks to Bella Diva Photography

 http://www.belladivaphoto.com/

Guest Blogging World, HERE I COME!! … me and my little fancy photos 🙂

Go Ahead and Cry, Mom.

craziness

Yes,  a few things on your “to do list” might have been forgotten today,

maybe some things were not completed quite as perfectly as you had hoped,

and they were definitely not within the specific time frame you had been leaning towards,

a few things might have gone awry during the process and I know it drags you down even if you understand that you are the only one who knows about it.

Go ahead and cry, mom. More

Loving him with Lunch

I am celebrating something tonight.

I am celebrating something silly and simple but to me it’s a big deal And I am I credibly grateful for the opportunity.

I made my husbands lunch.

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Gambling for a CURE!

Gambling for a CURE!

Do you work at a business or know someone with connections to get some amazing (and completely appreciated) Auction Items for this years casino night??! Please consider it. I have been working my ass off the last 7 years with the San Diego Chapter PKD Foundation to find a cure for my family so my husband, and children do not ever have to see the day their kidneys look like this! I don’t have a kidney left to give(his father already got that lol), I just have my time and friends to support me…. EMAIL ME if you can help in ANY WAY!!

wine, beer, concert tickets, sports tickets, gift cards hand made items, paintings, photography, jewelry, theme parks, private tours/events…. just take a moment and ask yourself, how can you help??

ranaldicure4pkd@gmail.com

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Suicide: Superman is Dead.

With the recent suicide of Mindy McCreedy, the fact that this is would have been our shared birthday month, AND the fact that since starting this blog I do not think I have written anything about him… it’s time. More

Suzies “Farm”

Today we decided to finally get dressed and get ready at 930am to go down to Imperial Beach and check out Suzie’s Farm. Their second Saturday of the month tour was today, 10am. Yep, thirty minutes to get all the way down to the border… I was crossing my fingers that we didn’t show up and everyone would be gone. Out of my fear, I made a deal with the kids though that if that happened we would go to the zoo and still do something fun for all our travels. They were content with this deal. More

Anxiety’s Vengence

Have you ever had a panic attack or anxiety SO bad you were physically ill??

I never have until last night.

Before being pregnant I handled stress differently. I could redirect my attention and take a few deep breaths and be better.anxiety

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‘Normal’

I don’t know what  ‘normal’ is anymore.

On days like today I’ve lost my patience and feel like I’ve run out of options.  Hearing your children fight and argue constantly is one thing but also being completely ignored EVERY time you talk to them?? Ugh, it get’s right under my skin and makes me want to yank my hair out… literally

It’s not for lack of trying though, let me tell you… I have taken my fair share of “independent children” workshops, child development courses and read numerous books on the subject. I have been there done that when it comes to tips and tools of the trade… nothing works.

He goes through this phase where he tunes EVERYTHING I say to him out. I feel like it’s normal because Haylee does the same thing at times, but for whatever reason what she does seems much more intentional and defiant and I tend to have more patients and creativity when it comes to issuing a consequence.  When Kaelob does it I go bonkers because I cant decide if he’s doing it intentionally or really honestly just tuned me out two words into my direction and is really truly confused….If I punish him and he really is confused I risk pushing us back a million steps from where we have worked so hard to get to. I live every day with the fear that I will yell at him for something or punish him for something that will undo everything we have worked so hard to accomplish in the last 4 and a half years.

But then, what do i do besides literally pull my hair out when I try to look him in the eyes, make him repeat what Ive said to him, ask him to tell me again what it is I have asked him to do or the directions I just gave him… directly after he can usually repeat what Ive said, or in some cases even then he’s already forgotten. What more can I do??

Example: I pulled him aside one night and needed something from the freezer down in the chicken shed.I asked him if he could do me a favor and he jumped up happily, eager to be a big helper. I gave him very specific directions telling him where the gallon of milk was that I needed and although he didn’t give me eye contact (despite my indirect attempts to gain it) He repeated what it was he was doing for me before hopping out the front door. He skipped down the stepping stones outside, swatted at the tree a couple times with a stick and then skipped the rest of the way down to the shed. I watched as he opened the door and walked in and then nothing.  I waited, still nothing.  I yelled out the window asking if he was okay and he yelled back that he couldnt find it. I tried to yell down to him my repeated instructions of exactly where it was but I heard him growling with frustration. I told him to just come back up to the house and I would take care of it.  When he came through the front door he was angry and frustrated, “I forgot what I was getting” he told me when I asked why he couldn’t find it.

I just dont understand how much more specific I could be. HERE is your item you are getting and HERE is exactly where it will be, ready GO…. but thats not how it works in our house.

OR this morning… He had left his shoes in the car but our big fight with him is wearing socks with his shoes. hes never liked wearing socks, but MAN he has the nastiest smelling feet, so we enforce it as best we can.  He reluctantly helped me find two socks in his clothes pile in his room and as we were walking together up the hallway to the living room I specifically told him that I wanted him to wait to put his socks on until after we were in the car that way they wouldnt get dirty, and asked him to turn the TV off so we could head out now. He said okay but I was behind him in the hallway so I didnt see his face… I should have known.

I stepped into the kitchen to pour my coffee one second and when I stepped back out I see Kaelob sitting in front of the TV- watching it and putting his socks on!!!!

I just wanted to explode.

I did explode.

Seems like a simple stupid thing to get upset over… but THIS happens ALL THE TIME.

its “Normal”.

What is normal for your family?

“Broken”

I very clearly see the irony in the fact that Kaelob used the work “broken” to describe feeling SAD on the way home from church today. I noticed early on that he was very sensitive today. It was a little different than normal. I don’t know if it was my perspective was different OR he was actually acting different, either way the best way of describing it is to say that he was being ‘sensitive’. IF his sisters just looked at him the wrong way he would practically start crying because he thought they were making fun of him. It wasn’t anger like usual, it was pure uncontrolled emotion. He would crumple up whimpering and crying clenching his fists into balls against his eyes as he cried.

It hurt me to watch him react to every little thing this way. At one point Peytne was apologizing to him for something she had done a few minutes before but he was also in the middle of talking about having leftover pizza for lunch. So when Peytne interrupted him to say, in a sweet voice, “I sorry Kaelob.” He growled at her and crumpled against the window crying uncontrollably.

We tried to discuss the interaction a little and get through the emotion of it but he wasn’t able to calm down quite yet. Finally when I asked him why he was angry, he was able to express to me that he wasnt angry but he “felt broken”. When I poked a little further at this intersting choice of words he said, “Sad, I feel broken and sad.” All I could say in response was, “Im really sorry you feel that way buddy.”

I understood.

….

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Letting Go.

SO many hours of my life spent

daydreaming, picturing my future.

Planning it out moment by moment

 Until suddenly I realize

 time has moved on. Moments have passed…

The dream is gone. More

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